Does Debbie

Friday, June 03, 2005

The Fat Man

Preface: I am drunk. I was coerced into going out for a drink with a co-worker, which turned into 2 sweet palmogranate (how the fuck do you spell that word?) tequila drinks and a shot (which felt like a double) of straight tequila. But tequila makes me feel good. Buzzed, not tired, perhaps a drop horny. And I like to write when I'm drunk.

Anyway, I diverged. I wanted to talk about the one. You all know what I am talking about. No, not "THE one." I am talking about the one- the fat one. We've all been there. Perhaps it was too much to drink or his charm. But we've all dated one person that was just, flat out, fat. The fat one that you dated but didn't view as fat, but all your friends did.

Not that there is anything wrong with fat people. I know plenty of them. Hell, if I keep downing tequila and tortilla chips, I'll be a few ass dimples short of gastro surgery. Anyway, there is the person that you have dated that your friends referred to as fat, while you just didn't see it.

I dated my fat man a few years ago. We met on vacation and both happened to live in the same city. The warm Caribbean sun made his pale skin burn. It was cute. His hair curled in the warm sea. He said the right things. But I could squish my face into his stomach and suffocate. It was fun.

When I came back from vacation, I thought I was in love. I showed my friends pictures and they couldn't believe how happy I looked. We dated for about a month and then it died. We couldn't maintain the magic on vacation once we interjected our friends, our jobs, our exes. It ended before it even began. And then the truth came out.

My friends thought he was fat. Not just a few pounds overweight. Not phat. My friends thought he was a porker. And the more upset over our breakup I was, the fatter he became in my friends eyes. I perused the pictures, studied his physique. He wasn't fat. He was cute.

Flash forward a few months. I run into the ex at a beach in Long Island. The first thing that comes to mind when I take in his smile, his hair, his body?


Man, that guy is fat.

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