One Step Forward, Six Steps Back

I fell off the wagon.

All the work, the self-help books, the postings about the choices one makes in life and working on one's self. It made a minimal dent in my fucked up psyche, but then reverted back to psycho space.

And I can ponder on Thanksgiving why I ruined another relationship.

I can't blame The Date for wanting to take a break. I pushed him there. I practically gave him a hand-written invitation with an RSVP by December 1st. He gave me a compliment and I served up an insult. Rather than focus and tell him how great he was, how affectionate and smart, and compassionate and funny, I looked for faults. Who cares that he was messier than I was? That he wasn't as passionate about winning Cranium as I was. My friends and family loved him. He was "the best one yet." And yet I wouldn't, couldn't let myself go there.

I didn't know how to let him in. How to let someone like me and like them back. How to be considerate and thoughtful, and there. How to accept. Which goes back to me, and the inability to accept and love myself. Which I want to fix. Desperately. For me and for my future husband. For the guys I date. For The Date.