The Joys of Singlehood
Online dating can be fun. You meet quality men, and a few not so quality. Guys that turn out to be life-long friends, and guys that turn out to be stalkers. Lovers. Assholes. Weirdos. And then an email comes along that just makes you want to take yourself offline quicker than one can say G-E-T M-E M-A-R-R-I-E-D!
"Hello. I’m writing to express an interest in you and tell you enough about me in hopes of a response. I found you by searching for woman who make more than 100K per year or have a graduate degree. Not that I’m a gold digger or anything. Subtract out the taxes, student loans and insurance and you probably really don’t make that much. It’s just that I really want to find a career minded woman who is smart and can take care of herself. I possess an earned doctorate and haven’t had a romantic relationship in many years so, in a larger sense, I’m a little fearful. Hopefully, I can come out of my shell if you exercise a little patience and kindness on my behalf. In return, well . . . you’ll see.
I currently live with no debt (other than mortgages), perfect credit, and a calm demeanor; and would hope you are the same since I’d like to invest equally in another home sometime in the future. I derive some of my income from rental properties I own so my life is great in that I work when I want. I’m not rich by today’s standards but I don’t work allot of hours either. My profile says I like allot of things (theatre, galleries, live music) but I won’t do any of those activities alone. I need a partner. I’m good at research and writing, possess many business skills, and hope together we could live as good or better than my current lifestyle. In addition, I seem to have a high sense of morals and ethics with regard to my character. I’m thinking it comes from being a first generation American. Both my parents were immigrants to this country but I was born and raised here so I’ve internalized different cultural values than most. It would be nice to be with a woman who understands what I mean.
My plan is to find a compatible woman and live together or get married. I’m open to having kids but need to have a solid foundation of trust first. I’ve never been divorced and plan to stay married as long as I make my perspective wife happy. As for my age, I’m 43, very healthy and not genetically predisposed to illness. I’m thin and exercise. I don’t smoke or drink (except for red wine) and my family members tend to live a long time. I look good and plan to stay that way.In conclusion, I hope you decide to email me and go out for dinner or coffee. I welcome your company and the possibilities we could offer each other. Sorry for this generic type email. I'll be original if you are interested and respond. Please respond here now or to XX at XXX." Sincerely, X"
"Hello. I’m writing to express an interest in you and tell you enough about me in hopes of a response. I found you by searching for woman who make more than 100K per year or have a graduate degree. Not that I’m a gold digger or anything. Subtract out the taxes, student loans and insurance and you probably really don’t make that much. It’s just that I really want to find a career minded woman who is smart and can take care of herself. I possess an earned doctorate and haven’t had a romantic relationship in many years so, in a larger sense, I’m a little fearful. Hopefully, I can come out of my shell if you exercise a little patience and kindness on my behalf. In return, well . . . you’ll see.
I currently live with no debt (other than mortgages), perfect credit, and a calm demeanor; and would hope you are the same since I’d like to invest equally in another home sometime in the future. I derive some of my income from rental properties I own so my life is great in that I work when I want. I’m not rich by today’s standards but I don’t work allot of hours either. My profile says I like allot of things (theatre, galleries, live music) but I won’t do any of those activities alone. I need a partner. I’m good at research and writing, possess many business skills, and hope together we could live as good or better than my current lifestyle. In addition, I seem to have a high sense of morals and ethics with regard to my character. I’m thinking it comes from being a first generation American. Both my parents were immigrants to this country but I was born and raised here so I’ve internalized different cultural values than most. It would be nice to be with a woman who understands what I mean.
My plan is to find a compatible woman and live together or get married. I’m open to having kids but need to have a solid foundation of trust first. I’ve never been divorced and plan to stay married as long as I make my perspective wife happy. As for my age, I’m 43, very healthy and not genetically predisposed to illness. I’m thin and exercise. I don’t smoke or drink (except for red wine) and my family members tend to live a long time. I look good and plan to stay that way.In conclusion, I hope you decide to email me and go out for dinner or coffee. I welcome your company and the possibilities we could offer each other. Sorry for this generic type email. I'll be original if you are interested and respond. Please respond here now or to XX at XXX." Sincerely, X"
posted by Does Debbie @ 2:15 PM
8 Comments:
At 2:34 PM,
Tracy said…
That email sounds like it could have come from Dwight from The Office:
"I would like woman who has hips ample enough to bear the rather large-headed babies that my family tends to produce. It could be due to extreme intelligence or just from the 2 gallons of beet juice required of the pregnant Shrute women to drink daily. Of course, children will not be an option until you can prove yourself on an obstacle course I've designed to determine your ability to get through any tough physical, and mental, challenge put forth in front of you."
Except Dwight would have spelled "a lot" correctly.
(Sorry, I'm showing my geeky side.)
At 3:13 PM,
Paige Jennifer said…
Oh.
My.
God.
No he di'hent!
Personal favorite moments of this invitation to wipe his ass:
(1) Reworking your income? Nice.
(2) What program grants PhD's to people who can't spell?
(3) How can you have interests if you won't try an activity solo? Doesn't that just mean you ASPIRE
to have interests?
(4) "In conculsion" is always a good way to wind down a letter to a potential date.
Okay, I'm done. For now.
Do me a favor? Go out with him. Please? And let me know where so I can observe his retardedness in person.
At 7:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
HOLY SMOKES!! That's over the top! I literally just posted this jerkoff's jdate profile on my blog today so I can completely relate! Best of luck with your search. :)
At 4:39 PM,
Fabulous Divorcee said…
Ewwwwww!
Yeah, there's a reason he's 43 and single. Nuff said.
At 7:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow. Awesome. I agree with paige, you MUST go out with him!
At 7:02 PM,
Does Debbie said…
To keep you all laughing, I cut and paste part of his profile. I swear, I am not making this up either.
"I'm attracted to tall or short woman who are very thin. I like high cheak bones, not too pretty, not too average.... Single moms are OK if you have joint custody...I don’t like TV and hate commercials unless their funny. I like jalapeo mustard sandwiches, Doritos and fake cheese in a can."
At 2:45 PM,
Chris said…
Whoa you make over $100k a year??
So what are you doing this Friday? I swear I'm not a gold digger. For the record, I have no bald spots, I still have all my teeth, and I'm up to date on all my vaccinations.
So if you would like to have "physical relations" with someone as awesome as me, just give me a call. I'll be sitting by the phone. Naked.
At 4:03 PM,
James said…
Ahh, the thing to realise is that real-life is just as full of nutcases: it's just that they're harder to spot ;-)
Post a Comment
<< Home