Does Debbie

Friday, March 31, 2006

Blue Smoke Ribs

Yesterday, we had a going away lunch for an old boss of mine, who will definitely be missed at work. We hit one of our neighborhood joints: Blue Smoke BBQ. As there were 12 of us, the menu was pre-set and family style: deviled eggs, mac n cheese, hush puppies, ribs, pulled pork (am I making you hungry?)

Not surprisingly, there were enough ribs left to feed every orphan Angelina Jolie is going to adopt. We were going to bring them back to work, but were concerned that they wouldn't be eaten- ONLY because it was Food Fest. What is Food Fest you might ask?

At our agency, everyone who wants to cooks a special dish, everyone walks around and tastes them all, we vote on winners... it's fun. I made my famous chocolate chip banana bread. People loved it. But clearly not enough to vote me a winner. Bastards!

Ok, back to the ribs. At lunch, I dared one of my co-workers to bring the ribs back to the agency, serve them up at Food Fest, and claim them as his own. He accepted the dare.

Lo and behold the ribs were all the rage at Food Fest. There was buzz to try them before they ran out. No one could believe that Dave actually made them. It was great- NO ONE knew they were really from Blue Smoke.

If I was James Frey, I would lie and tell you that the ribs won Food Fest (it would make for a better story.) But they didn't. I still think it was funny that Dave pulled this off.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Breastfeeding on Broadway

So last night was girl's night. Five of us went to Fatty Crab for dinner, and then to see a show, I Love You Because. If you asked me if I liked the show, I would have a hard time responding because my attention was not on the show. Rather, I spent half of Act 1 staring at the woman across from me breastfeeding her baby.

The Off-Broadway show was set up with the stage in the middle, and rows on both sides. So if you don't like the show, you can check out the audience. However, I did like the show. That was, until the middle of the "I think we made love" ballad, I looked across the way and saw Man, 3 year old girl, Mom and baby boy hanging from her tit. I was shocked. Stunned. I didn't know which was worse: brining a toddler to a show about sex and dating in NYC, or bringing a baby. I was appalled. I wanted to call Child Services. I wanted to scream out between scenes to get the hell out of the theater.

There was cooing coming from the baby in between nipple sucking. So wrong. She held the baby on her shoulders and my heart went out to the people sitting behind her who had to watch a show with a tot staring at them. This was wrong on so many levels.

Fortunately, the family left during Intermission. As for the show, I kind of wish I left during intermission too. I've seen better....

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Gone Shopping

In memory of the deaths of Oleg Cassini and Bernard Lacoste, I am going shopping. Will write more later. But other news of interest:

1) Fred Savage and his wife are having a baby. Now how old does that make you feel??
2) Star Jones ended up in the hospital for 4 nights after a problem getting her tits lifted.
3) Prince got sued for painting his house purple.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

$2,835 bridesmaid

I am 32 years old. I have been in three friend's weddings, which is not a lot of bridesmaid dresses I've had to buy compare to some women. It's not that I don't have a lot of close female friends; most of them have spared me from having to be in their wedding, or they chose not to have a bridal party.


My oldest friend in the world (we were born 12 days apart) is getting married this summer. I love her fiance, I am thrilled for her. I am excited to be part of her wedding and have no complaints. Honestly. Except that I am spending almost $3,000 for her big day. Let me explain:

Dress: $340

Bridal Shower gift: $75
Rental car to get to shower: $220 with gas and tolls
Flight to bachelorette party: $350 (although I did use miles)
Hotel and meals for bachelorette party: $500
Flight for wedding for two: $600 (again, hoping to use miles)
Hotel for wedding weekend: $500
Wedding gift: $250

Total: $2,825
Bi-weekly pay check: about the same amount.. UGH.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Grey's Addiction

I have always prided myself on my addiction-less personality. Cigarettes: had a few in college, nothing more. Coffee: can have a cup a day for a week and then go days on without. Sugar: this came closest to an addiction, but I gave most of it up for fried foods.

Not anymore. I admit it. I actually have an addiction, to TV Series DVDs. I buy them, I start watching them, and I can't stop. For example, I have been an avid 24 viewer since Season 2. But when I was stuck home with the flu last year, I watched the entire first season in less than 2 days (and this is 17 hours of TV.) Grey's Anatomy: my new favorite show. I actually didn't start watching this one until Meredith had her hand in the guy's heart to stop the bomb from going off. I immediately was hooked and bought the first season on DVD. I watched all 9 episodes in one weekend. I cancelled plans one Friday night to watch it. I called in sick that Monday to finish.

There really is nothing better than watching a TV series commercial-free, uninterrupted, nonstop. You can truly escape your life. This is reality TV. I want to work at the Sacred Heart Hospital or CTU. Sawyer can protect the guns on my island any day (I watched all of Lost Season 1 over the summer.)

Now what? Nip/Tuck? I heard that's a good one...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Breaking Point

I walked into the bathroom at work today and saw a roach. This wasn't just any old roach- this creature had tentacles 4 inches long, and probably weighed 2 pounds. Calling it gross is an understatement.

Had this not been a Monday morning, after a night of the weirdest dreams ever (which I can probably thank Tony Soprano for) I would have just screamed and moved on. But not today.

Today I am in a shitty mood. Blame it on "that time." In fact, last night I was so emotional I searched every cable channel praying that The Notebook would be on one of the 1,048 channels I have. I needed a release. A cry- not that kind. And the only movie I could find to elicit tears was How to Lose a Guy in 10 Day, and I barely shed a tear. More like a sniffle.

Back to my mood. And the roach. I called "Facilities." The man had to come, kill, and remove the bug. Unfortunately it wasn't the Man in the Lobby- that would have been sweet revenge. Nope, this was a guy from the mailroom. As if he doesn't deal with enough shit each day to be squashing roaches on the 11th floor.

There's also a cold breeze shooting down from the vent in the ceiling above my head. I called Facilities about that one too last week and nothing has been done. I should just lie and tell them a roach is in my office.

Geez, you'd think I worked at a bodega rather than a marketing agency with Fortune 300 brands.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Quick Humor

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm back in Minneapolis for work, where the weather is finally over butt freezing 20 degrees. It is in the 40's here. Since I'm in back-to-back meetings, I thought I'd entertain you with something George Carlin wrote. Sorry for the unoriginality...

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Man in the Lobby

I am definitely a morning person. I never hit snooze, I am never groggy or cranky, I fly out of bed. On an aside, oddly though, I prefer sex at night. Anyway, where was I? The morning.

I walk to work, so I never have the stress of the subway/bus/commute hell to dampen my mood. But yet, day after day, I am in a bad mood before I even get to my desk. And for one reason: the man in the lobby.

There is someone in the lobby of my company whose sole salary was derived from one task: hitting the elevator button. Yup, there is another man who sits behind the desk, I guess signing people in. So all the man in the lobby needs to do is hit a fucking button.

However, his workload increased 100% the other week when he was required to check our IDs. Stressful, I know. So now, man in lobby's job is to a) check IDs and b) hit the button. And yet, he is NOT able to do both. (I should have noted this earlier that there are 4 elevators in the building, 1 is being re-worked, 1 is usually broken, and they are all slower than walking up.)

Every morning, I walk into the lobby and when there is an elevator waiting, the man in the lobby no longer holds it. He is too busy checking IDs. It now takes 8 minutes to get upstairs. The fucking moron in the lobby can't multi-task. He better not make more than $9,5000 a year. I want him fired.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Switch it Up

As a TV junkie, I expect a lot from my shows. Originality, humor, surprise, hot men. Most of my favorites deliver on this expectation: LOST, Grey's Anatomy, World Poker Tour (maybe not the hot men on that one.) Even 24, which is now in it's 5th season knows how to keep it real.

Then there is The Bachelor.

Now I want to preface this by stating that I am NOT an avid Bachelor fan and have not watched the show since that greaseball 40-something year old picked wrinkled Mary to be his bride. Did they ever get married anyway??

But the other night, I came home from dinner, and the season finale was on. And there on the TV screen was the Bachelor getting ready for the final rose ceremony, and the two chicks getting into their respective limos. Granted, the Bachelor tried to mix things up this year by having the male ho, I mean bachelor, seduce the women in France, but for the love of god, can they please change up the final rose ceremony???!!!

They have it down to a science: Losing girl goes first. Thinks she's being picked. Gets dumped. Leaves in limo, crying to the camera. Second girl comes in. Thinks she's being picked. Guy says something that gives her doubt. He is only joking and she gets picked. Cheesy hugging and kissing, potentially crying, and a diamond ring meaning something.

You know as soon as the first woman steps out of the limo that she's a goner. Why can't they switch this up?? Just for one season, throw us a curve ball. Have the Bachelor pick the first girl, then have her wait in the closet while he dumps the second. Or have him not pick either of the women. Or have him come out as a polygamist and pick both! Something, please!!!