Does Debbie

Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I have been in a crappy mood due to work circumstances and have nothing to say. I'm tired and boring. But I did go to Il Mulino last night for dinner. This is what we ate:

When you sit down: a huge slab of Parmesan cheese, a small dish of some eggplant concoction, the best garlic bread, some sort of salami type meat, and these spicy breadsticks

Appetizer: A plate of two pastas. One was ravioli with porccini mushrooms in a champagne cream sauce with truffle oil. The other was whole wheat tagliasomething with basil and shrimp.

Main course: The man had some veal dish that looked like a ping pong paddle with salad on top. I had snapper on top of broccoli raab with mushrooms. I ate three bites.

Dessert: Flourless chocolate cake. One piece which we both split. ($23 for that, lol.)


Thursday, February 23, 2006

Toilet Paper Oops

We've all seen it and laughed: the person who walks out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their foot. Sometimes we're nice and tell the person. Not that often, of course- that takes the fun out of their embarrassment.

I topped that.

A few years ago, I was grabbing drinks with my friend from high school at Cafe Deville. The drinks were flowing, the food was eh, and I needed to pee. I excused myself from the table, walked to the ladies room, did my business, and returned back to the table.

Only to realize that I had toilet paper sticking out of my pants. Yup, I was the schmuck who went to the bathroom, put paper on the seat, and after going to the bathroom, pulled up my pants and had toilet paper coming out of my ass. To make matters worse, I walked halfway across the crowded room, with my toilet papered ass on display. My friend pointed it out when I returned to the table. I was mortified.

To this day, when I walk out of the bathroom, I rub my hands over my butt, to make sure my underwear isn't sticking out. And I double check that neither is the toilet paper.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Work Emails

Email Outage: Saturday February 25th
On Saturday, February 25th from 12:00 pm to 6:00 pm, the company will be performing maintenance to the New York email environment. Please be aware that email will be unavailable during this time. Emails sent to the New York office will be placed in queue and delivered once the server is back online. No email or calendar items will be lost or moved as a result of this maintenance.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. If you have any questions or require assistance, please contact the Customer Service Center at x1511.
Thank you.

Burning Smell on the 4th and 5th Floors
Hi everyone, due to some work that is being performed on the 4th floor AC unit, there is slight burning odor on the 4th and 5th floors. There is no need for concern as they are doing some light welding to install a new compressor so that the unit functions properly. If there are any questions, please feel free to give me a call at extension 5268. Thanks all.

Reminder: Refrigerator Clean-Up
Please remove all of the items that you have stored in the common area refrigerators before 2PM today as we will be throwing away whatever is left inside after that time. We will also be performing a deep cleaning on all of the units and remind you that from here on in it is every employees responsibility to keep our kitchen and kitchen appliances neat and tidy.
Thank You

And my company wonders why our mailboxes are always full!


So there's this web site, where one can post the incorrect lyrics they have carried around in their heads for years, as well as learn just what the hell the artist was actually singing. The name of the site came from the common-made error in Jimmy Hendrix's Kiss The Sky song. I guess people thought Jimmy was gay, hence "excuse me while I kiss this guy."

Anyway... I think we all have those lyrics that when we found out just how wrong we were, we were mortified. Especially if said incorrect lyric was sung in front of a group. Like co-workers.

When I was younger, I too fell victim to Hall 'n Oats "Kiss is on my List." But it was another mistake that I am just now fessing up to.

Spandeaux Ballet: True.

Correct Lyric: I know this much is true...
My Lyric: I notice barges, true...

Yup. For years I thought they were singing about boats. : )

Monday, February 20, 2006

Women Over 30

Several years ago, Esquire magazine published an article entitled, 30 Things a Man Over 30 Should Never Do. Due to popular demand, one can assume, this topic has since evolved into an bestseller. The ideas were great, and included: experiment with facial hair, help their friends move, and use "party" as a verb. Love it!

At work today, I ran into an older woman wearing pigtails- so wrong! This led to the development of my list:

Things a Woman Over 30 Should Never Do
1. Grow her hair more than 3 inches past her shoulders (and while I'm at at, no pigtails or french braids)
2. Crack up every time she says the word 'masturbate'
3. Buy anything from Claire's Boutique or IKEA
4. Begin to use the phrase "when I was your age..."
5. Do a summer share house with more than 12 people
6. Forget to send cards: birthday, holiday and anniversary
7. Use *76 to prank call ex boyfriends
8. See any movie with Lindsay Lohan
9. Admit to watching the OC
10. Go to a bar with more than 2 other women

Thursday, February 16, 2006


I asked my sister if she would give me her new password to Jdate. I was having a slow day at work and thought playing matchmaker would be fun. After all, it worked for mom. However, following the recent Jdate debacle my sister experienced, she doesn't trust me. Bitch. She still thinks I was the one who changed her profile and I still go on record swearing it was not me.

She finally gave it to me, after I had to sign the following:

I,_________________, have agreed to not alter or vandalize Jessica's jdate profile. In the event of this breech of contract, I,_____________________, will lose all future access to this site. Jessica will not be liable for any of her actions taken against Debbie.
This contract will remain in effect until future notice.

CC: Rachel Friedman, acting Lawyer

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Offensive Block

They say that all writers experience "writer's block" from time to time, when they just flat our run out of interesting shit to write about (or is the grammatical correct phrase 'about which to write?') Regardless, I have faced another situation: I have "offensive block."

Back when I started Does Debbie, things were a little different. I was sort of single. No one read this. Especially not my mom. I honestly didn't know that my mom became a reader until she commented that some of my stories were offensive. I'm sure she was referring to my abundant reference to oral sex. Clearly, my mom is deprived in that area of her life... ok, that is way to GROSS of a tangent to even go on.

Where was I? Ah, yes- offending people. I decided not to go down the "blog about work" route for obvious reasons, although occasionally I'll throw in a story now and then (e.g. work circumcision.) So that left me with my love and/or sex life.

I was single on and off for many years, so of course I had dating stories to share. But the man could only take so many of those before I started to offend him. And not to be cheesy, but he is more important than sharing my past romances with you all.

So what does this leave me with? The fucking Olympics, Jessica cheating on Nick with Adam from Maroon 5, and TV. Not bad, for now.... But I will add a link to this poster I see ALL OVER they city: This actually records VOICES. The latest in vibrators. Has anyone seen this thing?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

You're not Gay, You're Enis

I saw this one in the news today:

SPOKANE, Wash. - Fans of No. 5 Gonzaga have been asked to stop yelling "Brokeback Mountain" at opposing players. The reference to the recent movie about homosexual cowboys was chanted by some fans during the game Feb. 6 against Saint Mary's, and is apparently intended to suggest an opposing player is gay. The chants were the subject of several classroom discussions over the past week, and the faculty advisers for the Kennel Club booster group urged students to avoid "inappropriate chants" during the Bulldogs' Saturday game against Stanford, which was nationally televised on ESPN.

On another note, I just heard that TomKat is over.... must go investigate!

Monday, February 13, 2006


Another year, another Olympics. I know, technically they are now every 2 years (which I think it totally lame and they should go back to having the summer and winter games the same year, every 4 years.)

I was willing to bet that viewership would be down this year, but then the big 'ole Blizzard came (which, why don't they name, by the way? It would be so much more fun to say that Blizzard Bill from 2006 dumped a lot of snow) kept us all indoors yesterday. What else was there to do besides watch Bode, Apollo and some chick downhill skier all suck?

And let's talk about Michelle Kwan. Maybe she should ho around less (um, groin injury?) and practice more! Just kidding Michelle, I was pulling for you.

And what's even more annoying: Katie, Matt and Al in Torino for the next 3 weeks. Watching Katie each gelato with Sasha Cohen this morning was awful. Matt on the luge: spare me. Do they all 3 really need to be there with international screaming fans in the background. Plus, it is almost 50 degrees there while we're snowed in. Bullshit!

Friday, February 10, 2006


An anniversary is an interesting event. For most, it denotes their wedding day, and is used as a reminder that you have gone another 365 (and occasionally 366) days with the same person. Occasionally, you hear of an anniversary being celebrated at work, especially if the person has been with a company for a long time. Like 5 years. Then there is the dating anniversary.

The man and I have a debated over what constitutes an anniversary between boyfriend and girlfriend (not that an anniversary is really needed, although it does provide an opportunity to get measure your significant other on their gift giving abilities.) He feels that the anniversary is NOT the first date. Especially in today's times when one does not date exclusively until they are sure that the relationship has potential. He thinks that you should not count the time when you might have kissed someone else (which for the record happened once, within our first 3 weeks of dating. And he was a horrible kisser.)

Clearly, the anniversary is not the day you met (which can often be the same as the first date, ala jdate style) as that follows above-stated rule. Then there is the day you had sex for the first time, and that one is just too awkward to explain to the family.

Which leaves us to the date that you decided not to date other people. And is there ever really a date? How weird to have met someone in February, but not celebrate your anniversary until May, because that is when the "conversation" happened (although you didn't date anyone else?)

So what did I do? I made reservations at a top restaurant and the day we got in is our anniversary.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Diet Downhill

As you all know, I recently came back from Amansala in Tulum, Mexico. One of the highlights of my trip was the delicious, healthy eating: no bad sugars, no bad fats, no bad grains. And I loved every meal! Mind you, this is coming from someone who was fed sugar water at birth and has a sugar addiction as bad as Charlie Sheen has a sex-with-hookers addictions.

Back to the food. Not to bore you, but the staples every day were fruit, salads, fish, yogurt (and is it spelled 'yougart,' 'yogart' or 'yogurt?') brown rice, beans, veggies... you get the point. The highlight: baked bananas with warm, natural caramel on top.

I came back from Amansala refreshed. Skinnier. I was going to eat healthy.

Week 1: No fried foods, nothing with corn syrup, only whole grains

By Week 2: No corn syrup, only whole grains

By Week 3: Corn syrup occasionally (the M&Ms from the vending machines at work SO don't count)

By Week 4 (this week): Tuna melts, french fries, Carvel birthday cake, cheese puffs at a going away party, jordan almonds, pigs in blankets (Friday and Sunday nights,) chocolate chip cookies

Looks like it's time to go back to Mexico. Or at least the gym. Goddamn January diets!

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


This marks my 100th entry of Does Debbie. I feel like I should get a cake with 100 candles on it. Or at least have a male stripper pop out of my laptop.

So, as we all know, Valentine's Day in just around the corner. A holiday I have hated ever since I worked at a florist in college and had to make rose bouquets for the entire Syracuse University population. And let's not forget Valentine's of 1999, when my boyfriend at the time broke up with me the day after. I'm not sure why he waited till the after the stupid holiday: he could have saved $75 on roses and $200 on dinner.

I really should be more in the loving mood this year as I do have a sweetheart to celebrate the day with. But it is more fun to bash those fuckers wearing red. So, for all you fellow V-Day haters, here are the top 5 ways to definitely ruin Valentine's Day:

1. Tell your girlfriend/boyfriend you love them, and then tell them that you are just kidding
2. Buy your girlfriend yellow roses
3. Re-gift
4. Go for drinks with your co-workers
5. Make reservations at Gonzalez y Gonzalez (just trust me on this one)

Coming to a Theater

There is a weird phenomenon that I just realized, about 2 seconds ago: If they make a movie about you and any aspect of your life, you will die. I know, everyone dies, so let me be more specific. You will die within a few days or weeks of the movie opening. Or at least within the year.

The latest victim: Curious George. Ok, maybe that wasn't the funky monkey who kicked the can, but the guy did write and edit the books and movies.

And what about Ray Charles (died in June 2004, movie came out in October) and Johnny Cash (I know, he died 2 years before the movie came out but work with me here.)

I bet there are more. I'm going to go look.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Is it Wrong?

- to not tip a cab driver if he doesn't get his lazy ass out of the taxi to put your suitcase in the trunk?

- to tell some yappy jappy getting a pedicure next to you to get the fck off her cellphone as she is making your foot massage anything but relaxing?

- to eat half a cookie or bagel at work, and leave the other half sitting there?

- to think that the commercials during last night's Superbowl were AWFUL, except for the FedEx spot?

- to be upset that Baby Jessica got married before you did?

- to listen to Satellite The Heart during the day? If it is, blame my office mate.

- to be jealous of Mick Jagger's abs?

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Winding Down

Admittedly, I have been told on multiple occasions that I "give bad phone." I'm abrupt when I want to hang up, and my pacing is off. Grrrl. I find this quite ironic given that my communication skills are pretty excellent when it comes to my writing and face-to-face conversations. But for whatever reason, I suck at the phone.

Believing in self-improvement, I have been working on this little "problem" of mine. I tried role play in therapy once (awful.) I listen to other people when they get off the phone (can be considered weird.) Sometimes I say fuck it and just resort back to the bad habit (enjoyable at times.)

Frankly, I think there should be a phrase that everyone should use when they want to get off the phone (they might be tired, bored, 24 could be coming on TV) that wouldn't offend anyone. It should be universal: when the phrase is said, you have 60 seconds to wind down the call and get off.

Any suggestions?